"For my next number ... "
Sally (a stand-up comic) and Melissa (who writes satire) present the following numerical humour for your enjoyment.
"I make seven figures. Unfortunately there's a decimal point in there."
The only time a pie chart is appropriate is at a baker's convention.
Drink is the cause of 80% of kebab sales in Manchester on a Friday night.
"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population."
A statistician is a mathematician broken down by age and sex.
Never show a bar chart at an AA meeting.
"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."
Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?
A: Probably ...
Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with confidence. Statistics is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with 95% confidence.
Q. What's the definition of an accountant?
A. Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Q. What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room.
A. Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
Q. How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A. Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
Q: Why did God create economists?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
A2: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter!
A3: None, they're all waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium.
An "economist" is someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant.
We don't know the origin for many of the above jokes - if you do know, please tell us and we'll attribute it.